Friday, July 6, 2012

Wishing...

You know something? Sometimes I wish I was different.

As I blogged this morning about my day, as I thought about how wonderful my life is and how blessed I am, I realized that the one thing that I am not completely happy with is me. I often feel like I'm not good enough or like I'm not capable of adequately taking care of all I've been given. I wonder why I've been so blessed. The fact that I am blessed isn't even a question, it's obvious that I am. But why me? There's so many little things I wish were different about me....

I wish I was one of those cute girls who always looks put together and gorgeous. You know, clothes, hair, and makeup all just right. Sometimes I wish I was super athletic. I wish I could throw a football with the guys and not look like a complete idiot. I wish I had been allowed to play soccer as a kid. (I don't know what that matters, but for some reason I think that if I had been allowed to then maybe, just maybe, I'd be more athletic today.) I wish sometimes that I had more get-up-and-go and was more self-motivated. I wish that I could fix my hair a million different ways, like I see some girls do, and that I had the patience to do it! I wish that I kept a spotless house like I used to. I wish I was uber organized the way that I once was. I wish that my kids were perfectly well behaved all the time, and that it was because of some amazing quality that I had that brought peace and organization to the chaos I live in. (It's sweet chaos, but it's chaotic none the less.) I wish that I had more time to read books. I wish I could read self-help books and remember what I read for longer than a few days/weeks. I wish that I could set my mind to do something and do it, without forgetting about everything else I need to do in the process. I wish I knew what to say to hurting people, instead of feeling lost and inept. I wish I woke up every morning with my goals clearly before me and a mission each day. I wish I went to bed every night feeling accomplished and like I had done a great job by my husband and kiddos, instead of thinking about all the things I could have done differently.

I wish, I wish, I wish....

So, in "Kim-esque" fashion, this makes me ask myself some questions.

So, how do I become all of that? Is it worth my efforts? Which piece of that puzzle matters the most? Where do I start? How do I do those things?

And that leads me to this train of thought - Do I dare document the journey? I'm talking honestly document the journey. Post how I really feel, what I really think, what I'm really going through. Am I willing to look at the glass half empty sometimes and see the bad and not just ignore it? Am I willing to take a leap of faith and prioritize my 'goals' and try to become the person I dream of? Are those things that important to me? Or am I just wishing my life away for something not worth attaining to?

I tend to make things kind of grey in my attempt to see it from all angles. And I tend to over analyze things. By the way, I can totally hear you chuckling at that. I know it's kind of obvious that I over think things! I can't help it! Another one of those things I wish I didn't do so much. I wish I just made a decision - one based on facts and made quickly - and jumped right into stuff. But I don't. And maybe that's okay.... it's gotten me this far! :) I have a kind of focused intensity on things. I'll pick one thing that needs to happen and I zero in on it until it's done. But in the process, I leave everything else just kind of laying around until I finished that one thing. And then I feel like I'm starting from scratch on all of those things. It's a vicious cycle.

Do you deal with any of that? What helps you?




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