Father's Day 2012

Just for the record, my kids have the best Dad in the world. 

I'm not kidding. 

The man is amazing.

So, for Father's Day this year I wanted to do something more than just a card from the store that the kids all signed. I decided to get the kiddos involved and make something to show him how awesome we think he is. The project we picked was a homemade candy card. We planned, schemed and shopped all week, and then created the card while he was at work on Saturday, the day before Father's Day. 

We had a blast making it and made tons of memories in the process. 

We took a million pictures, but here is one of my favorites.

The kiddos did an amazing job keeping it a secret until the big reveal! 

I was actually a little shocked that they ALL managed to keep it a surprise! 

Even my littlest didn't spill the beans!

Father's Day arrived and we went to church and, afterwards, my mother-in-law and I made lunch for Kurt and my Father-in-law. 

We made pork chops, green beans, and my maw-in-law's special german-fried potatoes!

I was trying to give her bunny ears but I didn't get my hand up quickly enough!

After lunch it was time for the kiddos to give their Daddy his homemade gift. They were so excited!!!

It was a HUGE hit. He loved it! I even saw him get a little misty-eyed. (Shhhhh....he won't admit it, but I know what I saw.) ;)

This man means the world to me. He has been my rock, my best friend, and the one who loves me no matter what for the last 8 years. I am proud of the man he is. And I am thankful for the Daddy he is to our babies. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I hope you had a chance to thank the men in your life who have helped shape and mold you, who have supported you and been there when you needed them.
I had an amazing Daddy (well, I technically still do!) and I will be forever grateful for his unconditional love. I've always been his princess and he has always made me feel adored, important, and cherished.
It's his fault I found the amazing man I did.
(You see, my husband had a high standard to live up to. And so, only a man as amazing as Kurt was able to pass the bar. I married an amazing man.)
Thank you, Daddy, for showing me what true love is and for setting me up for a life of happiness and blessings. Your prayers for me have made all the difference in the world.
I love you.

Me and my Daddy. The first man I ever loved. <3

And to all the other Dads out there....

Happy Father's Day!

Timely Reminder

It's been one of those days.

I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately.

I've yelled at my kids more than I'd like to admit, I've actually thrown a small basket of toys down onto the floor, I've slammed a door once (okay, fine, I did it twice) and I've just been rather unpleasant to be around.

I'm frustrated.
I'm overwhelmed.

And the kiddos didn't get the "let's be perfect angels for mommy today" memo. So, they have been absolutely crazy today.

So, before I completely lost my temper or went bonkers, I put them all in their rooms for some quiet time. The girls are reading books and the boys are watching a short movie. I knew I needed some time to breathe and get myself pulled back together. I was at a loss of how to do that so I just sat down at the computer and started reading my old blogs. I don't really know why....I just kind of was drawn to them. As I was reading I found this one and oh. my. goodness. It's exactly where I'm at today. As I read it the tears started to well up in my eyes and it was a timely reminder for me that this job I have, this stay-at-home mommy thing, is a calling, that I am allowed to have bad days but that it's my calling to be Jesus to my babies and so I don't get to be ugly. I was reminded that my words create my world, and so spouting off about how frustrated I am isn't exactly productive. Last I checked, that's not really speaking life into the situation....  Oops....

I think it's time I remember about the day I learned to be 2, 4, 5, and 9 with my babies. I need to take it down a notch and remember what I'm here to do. I'm here to be Jesus to these babies. And I'm here to be the very best mommy I can be. I need to slow things down and quit stressing myself out about the things I can't control and follow my own advice - "Love on your family. Have time for your man. Sit on the floor with your kids. Hey, sit in the dirt with your kids! Remember that kiddos are washable and dirt never hurt anybody (whispering* and that means you too!!!*) and memories are forever! Love with your whole heart, with your time, and with your actions!" 

So, I'm wiping the tears away, I'm gonna go hug my kids and tell them I'm sorry for being a bratty mommy this morning, and we're gonna start this day over. I only get one shot at this thing and I'm not going to let myself have a bad attitude and create a world full of 'yuck' for my babies.

Pulling myself up by my bootstraps,
Kim

The Difference a Year Makes

Exactly one year ago this past month, I was in a place in my life where I was kind of running out of hope. I was really sick (I had severe postpartum depression) and I was so doped up on prescription medication to help me cope, I was just miserable. I felt like a zombie and it was affecting every aspect of my life. My health was in decline, my relationships were suffering, and I just wasn't involved in 'life' at all. I was trying so hard to make life meaningful and make memories for my family, and I can look back at pictures and see the things we did together,but I don't really remember doing most of it. I absolutely adore my family and they are literally what kept me going through the dark times. It was the feeling of being needed by them that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I am the only mom my kiddos get, and I was determined to be here...no matter how I felt in the quiet moments by myself...and I knew how to paste on a smile and pretend I was okay for the world, but deep down I wasn't okay at all.......

I was praying desperately for answers. I knew that I needed healing for my mind, and for my body. I went to church on a Sunday and prayed as hard as I ever have for God to 'fix me', to make my mind whole again, for me to just FEEL better. The very next day I heard from a friend and she introduced me to AdvoCare. (Stay with me...this isn't an AdvoCare infomercial. I promise!) I felt like this was an answer to my prayers, so I decided to take a leap of faith and give it a try. After two days on products, I knew I was feeling better than I had felt in a long time, but it was when my husband looked at me and told me, "Kim, whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT! You have a light back in your eyes I haven't seen in a long time." that I knew it was working. So, I did what he said. I kept taking my products...and I kept praying. Within two months I felt like a completely different person. I wasn't completely better, but I was waaaay better than I had been. I was off of all of my medications and I felt like the fog was going away. 


(Please hear me when I say that AdvoCare isn't a magic cure-everything potion, and I know that it doesn't 'cure' depression, but what happened for me when I put good nutrition in my body was nothing short of a miracle as far as I was concerned.)

Over the next 6 months as I kept getting healthier I started making better food choices. I started getting more active. I found myself more involved with my family. I found my relationship with my husband improving. I just felt better!!!! And I went from a size 18 to a tight size 12 in the first half of those 6 months!!!! I was thrilled!!! :) I went through my very first Holiday Season without gaining weight. I was super happy about that! So, life was better. I was better. And it was during this time that I started to focus on the inner-me and doing some soul searching. I found an amazing ladies ministry that helped me through a lot of the 'self growth' I was diving into. I knew I needed to work on some things going on inside of me, and so I dedicated all of my efforts into that. That's when I started keeping a journal. That's when I started blogging. All pieces to the puzzle of finding my way to who God has called me to be.


It wasn't until March of this year that I decided it was time to focus on losing the rest of this weight and getting stronger and healthier than I've ever been. So, I went to work on the physical part of a healthier me. I found a local gym near my home, that is currently offering free fitness classes for stay-at-home moms (with free childcare!) and started attending. (The only cost to attend this class is checking in on their FaceBook page every time I workout! Super cool!) I also linked up with some friends and started seriously making myself accountable for what I was eating, and started diligently tracking my food and exercise on a free website that had an app for my phone. If you add it all up, it equals to a transformation of my every day lifestyle and going from the 12/14 size I had maintained to a 8/10 (so far!). I'm now stronger than I can ever remember being. I can now officially do hand-stands - and I'm talking, for the first time. EVER!  The awe in my girls' eyes as I did hand-stands and cartwheels in our yard last week is something that will be with me forever. My oldest daughter is 9 and she was totally impressed. #score!  I'm running a half mile, 3 times a week before working out, and it's getting easier and easier each time. (You have to understand, I've always been a bit....well, we'll call it curvy, in lieu of calling me a chubster!...and so running, or any type of athletics was never my 'thing'.) I've also signed up to run in my first 5k Obstacle Course/Mud Run with some of my friends, and so I'm in training for that. I'm doing things I never in a million years thought I could do. All because I made a decision to change my life. 

All this reflection of the past year came about as I was looking at some pictures with the kiddos yesterday, and it was during that time that I realized that the past year truly has been a period of transformation for me. The visual just made it really really real all of a sudden. Here, see for yourself!

BEFORE: February 2011                                NOW: June 2012

AdvoCare has had a HUGE part in helping me - simply because the products that they offer are top notch and the best in the industry in nutrition and supplements - but I don't discount the effort I've put in too. And I can't forget to give God the credit for helping me find what I needed to get well. For putting in front of me the door that I needed to walk through to get started on this journey. All I know is this: my life is completely different now.

I went to a meeting last night and my mentor said something that really hit home for me. She said, "You can't change the past, but you can completely change the future". And that's what I've decided to do. Every day I'm going to wake up with the goal to do 'today' the very best I can do it.

It's a journey, not a sprint, and it's only just begun!!!

Blessed

My boys are misbehaving.

My body is weary.

My house is a wreck.

But I'm still thankful.....

I have two healthy boys.

I have a sound mind.

I have a roof over my head.

I am blessed.

Sweating the small stuff today..... because even when the day isn't perfect, even when things don't go my way, I am still blessed, I am still in His perfect will, and I will choose joy.

When my body is tired, when my kids are acting crazy, when my house is overwhelming, I am still blessed, I am still in His perfect will, and I will choose joy.

When the words won't come to explain my emotions, when I can't find the reserve I need to get it all done, when my day has been hard, I am still blessed, I am still in His perfect will, and I will choose joy.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ. Philippians 4:6-7 (The Living Bible)


I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. John 14:27 (The Living Bible)

Beginning Again

When I think back on my inner turmoil these last few years and think of why I kept hitting a brick wall with my relationship with God, I realize that I was filled up with hurt, anger, resentment, and even bitterness - even though I never really realized that it was those things. It just felt like an emptiness - sometimes I'd feel it strongly, sometimes less so - that I couldn't explain or put my finger on. My 'life' was okay and filled with things that brought me joy, but there was just this deep down place inside of me that felt a little empty...a little lost and confused.... I had even reached a place where I was doubting the existence of 'God'. I mean, I knew there was something greater than me, I knew that things didn't just explode and evolve into what they are now. I'm smarter than that. But I just wondered how God could be what I saw portrayed by people in my past. People that I had respected and loved! But people who had been so ugly and hurtful sometimes...

So, I found myself doubting...doubting everything I had always known to be true...wondering if it all ever really was true to start with. It was in this place that God started to show me His hand in my life in small gentle ways. I saw Him in my children. I saw Him in the blessings in my life. I saw Him in the quiet moments when I was desperate for peace, and when I'd cry out to Him - as a last resort, I'll admit - He would give me peace. A peace that I knew and recognized. The peace that passes understanding. I saw Him provide when we were at the end of our rope and didn't know where to go or what to do. I saw Him open doors that didn't even exist. I heard Him speak through the mouths of people I didn't know, and then confirm it through the mouth of someone else. My doubt was slowly erased, and it just became a matter of figuring out, for myself, who He really is. I started to search for the truth behind the God I believed in. I stopped looking at people to show me the face of God and I started trying to find His face. Trying to hear His voice. Trying to hear His heart. And I've been searching for a few years now....getting inches closer, and then slipping a few back....inching my way toward total truth again, and then losing courage. What if what I found wasn't what I was hoping for? What if He wasn't what I thought? What if 'they' were right?! What if I was wrong?!?

It's been only in this year, well really the last 8 months, that the puzzle has slowly started to come together. And it's been, literally, in the last week that I've found the biggest missing link. I've realized that in other people's judgement of me (or my perceived judgment from them) I'd allowed myself to feel judged. I allowed myself to feel inferior, to feel like I just couldn't quite measure up, to feel like my relationship with God and what it was just wasn't quite up to par. I failed to realize that God loves me just as I am. He made me. He knows me. He knew me before I was even created. The relationship that He and I have is unique to us. It is one that only He and I can share. And so, because of that, who in the world could ever judge it? Who in this world could ever tell me how it should be? The guidelines for our relationship should come from Him, and Him alone.

Which led me to my next "Aha!" moment. I realized that I have to get to know Him. I have to find Him for myself. This means time in prayer/quiet reflection. It means time in His word. It means a reevaluation of me and the fruits I'm showing - or not showing, if I'm honest! - and my innermost thoughts. It means actually showing up at church to hear the word He has given my pastor, taking notes, re-listening when I need to, and growing this relationship. I mean, I spend a lot of time building up, working on, and taking time for my relationship with my husband. I do the same for my relationship with my kids. Why in the world did I think I didn't need to do the same for my God? And isn't it true that the relationship with Him should come just as naturally, just as easily, and be just as fun and exciting as these other relationships? Don't get me wrong, I have the hard times in my relationships, too - and so I expect I'll have those with God, also - but I sure wouldn't be in a relationship down here that was always hard and a struggle....so, I don't think the one I have with my Father should be that way either. Those times should be the exception, not the rule.

So, it's into His word I go. Diving in head first to see if there's more I can learn about my Father, His love for me, His purpose for my life, and the way I can please Him most. He's certainly held up His end of this relationship - He really has always been with me. No matter what. No matter where I've dragged Him. He's stuck by me. Even when I was running as hard and as fast as I could from this "Christianity" thing, I've always felt Him and His touch on my life. I've been blessed for no other reason I can see, other than that He simply loves me. I've been kept safe and whole, because of nothing exceptional that I've done. The rain falls on the just and unjust and I've been both. Simply put, I've been blessed. I think it's time I put some effort into this thing, too.

Digging deep and starting from the beginning,
Kim

Love

I woke up this morning with a smile, a light heart, and the joy that comes only from the Father.

The special song from service yesterday is still going in my mind.

All I can think about is that I'm so thankful for the mercy of the Father. I'm so grateful that He died for sinners like me.

I have struggled so much with the judgement that 'Christians' have shown me and others who have failed. I've had a hard time with people who are more focused on the 'rules' of living for God, than being focused on the people we're commissioned to love. It's only been in the past year or two that I've begun to see that those people were wrong, living for God isn't supposed to be hard and nearly impossible, and that the love of God is what is supposed to soak us to our very core. THE LOVE OF GOD should radiate from us and be what others see. It's the purpose behind all we do. It's the light that guides our way. It's the hope that we have for our own salvation and it's what we should share to give others that same hope.

I'm so peaceful today in my realization that I can't do this alone. I'm not designed to! And that brings me so much joy. The pressure to become something better, more deserving of God's grace, is gone! Today I'm walking in the realization that I have no rights to anything - yet, my Father loves me so much that it is mine anyway.

This burning passion in my heart for people, for the people who have no hope, the people who just need to be loved.....it's a gift from God. And it's who he designed me to be. It's only through my loving Him and drawing closer to Him that He can use that heart to reach my brothers and sisters who need Him too.

I want to love like He does.

~ Kim

My Daddy Loves Me

Guess what!   ....I learned something today.....   All the determination in my little heart will never make me who I need/want/desire to be. And no matter how hard I try, I'll never get there on my own.

I also learned that the same God who has forgiven me for the things I have done, for the times I have failed, for the mess I've made of my life - oh, the list can go on and on - That same God, loves me today. Right now. Just as I am. And I'll never be good enough, strong enough, kind enough, full of purpose enough to deserve that love. I'll never be or do enough to earn or deserve His grace. I already have it. The price was paid long long ago. It was paid for me so that I don't have to be alone on this journey. So that I don't have to figure out this life on my own.

My heart is so full of peace, my mind feels so clear and uninhibited, I am full of ideas of things I want to do, things I want to accomplish, ways I want to love on people, and it's all coming together in the realization that I don't have to DO it! It's in my willingness to Let Go and just be who I am in search of who God is that I will find my purpose fulfilled. It's in that place of "I'm not good enough and that's AWESOME" that I'll be everything I'm called to be. It's in that place of "I don't have what it takes to get this done, but God DOES!" that I'll find myself doing more than I ever thought possible. Because it won't be me! :) It'll be Him working through me.

So, this morning the pressure is OFF and the joy is ON. :) I'm filled to capacity with hope and peace and excitement that I feel because of the love of my Father. This morning I climbed up in his lap and told him my faults and failings and He just kind of chuckled (that deep rumbly chuckle you hear when your head is pressed against your Daddy's chest) and rumbled, "I know, my love. I made you exactly this way." And it's in that quiet moment that I realized that what I've always known to be true, really is true: I was made on purpose, for a purpose, and it's really not up to me to find the path. It's my job to follow where He leads me.


I've got my dancing shoes on and it's time to party! This little girl has found her way home.

Resting my little heart in my Father's arms,
Kim

Inner Struggle

I wrote this several weeks back, and I think I'm ready to post it. I'm on a journey of transparency, of learning that the ugliness of my human heart is not something brand new to God, and that in becoming transparent He can do His work in me. So, here it is....my inner struggle.

**********************

Sometimes I find myself fighting a battle within myself that I'm not sure I want to share with the whole world. I'm writing this not really sure that I'll ever actually publish it, but I just need to get it out of me and on 'paper', so to speak.

For the most part, I'm a pretty positive person. I don't like to look at the negative and I prefer to find the positive in every situation. I try to avoid conflict and I seldom get offended. I prefer to believe the best of people and I love with my whole heart.

And then there's the other part of me...the part that gets my feelings hurt. There's the part of me that is selfish and a little bit sarcastic and tends to get annoyed really quickly. I don't have a lot of patience for 'stupid' and I don't like it when people take advantage of me. I get annoyed at other people's elevation of themselves and their nonacceptance of other's faults, failings, and opinions. But, in my annoyance, aren't I doing the same thing?.... Oh, the vicious cycle of judgement and hurt. It's just ugly.

So, where does that put me? How do I change it? How do I learn to just do what I'm called to do, no matter what others are doing?....

It's been a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. I have gifts and talents I know I'm not using. But I'm having a hard time putting myself 'out there' to use those gifts and talents. In my selfishness, I don't want to have to tip-toe around and deal with those "grace builders" Sis. Kimberly so eloquently spoke about at the Ladies Spring Banquet. Isn't that a bad attitude to have?!? Yuck! I'm a lot ashamed to admit it...but it's the way I feel.

So, knowing what I know - which is this: I can't change anyone else, I can only change me. - what do I need to change in order to move past this. I don't want to be the one who buries my talents and then has a displeased Savior to answer to for it. And neither do I want to have a bad attitude and a bitter heart.

So, this is what I've been struggling with. This is what I've been mulling over. And this is the deep down dirty truth about my ugly, human, heart. I am still determined to be everything I'm called to be, but...oh wow... It totally just clicked.....

I just realized what I need to do. I have to get the heart of God so that mine doesn't get in the way. Now the question is: How?

Well, here we go. Time to do some digging....it's time for this girl to figure out how to bloom right here. Right here where I've been planted.

With a heart determined to grow,
Kim