Inner Struggle

I wrote this several weeks back, and I think I'm ready to post it. I'm on a journey of transparency, of learning that the ugliness of my human heart is not something brand new to God, and that in becoming transparent He can do His work in me. So, here it is....my inner struggle.

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Sometimes I find myself fighting a battle within myself that I'm not sure I want to share with the whole world. I'm writing this not really sure that I'll ever actually publish it, but I just need to get it out of me and on 'paper', so to speak.

For the most part, I'm a pretty positive person. I don't like to look at the negative and I prefer to find the positive in every situation. I try to avoid conflict and I seldom get offended. I prefer to believe the best of people and I love with my whole heart.

And then there's the other part of me...the part that gets my feelings hurt. There's the part of me that is selfish and a little bit sarcastic and tends to get annoyed really quickly. I don't have a lot of patience for 'stupid' and I don't like it when people take advantage of me. I get annoyed at other people's elevation of themselves and their nonacceptance of other's faults, failings, and opinions. But, in my annoyance, aren't I doing the same thing?.... Oh, the vicious cycle of judgement and hurt. It's just ugly.

So, where does that put me? How do I change it? How do I learn to just do what I'm called to do, no matter what others are doing?....

It's been a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. I have gifts and talents I know I'm not using. But I'm having a hard time putting myself 'out there' to use those gifts and talents. In my selfishness, I don't want to have to tip-toe around and deal with those "grace builders" Sis. Kimberly so eloquently spoke about at the Ladies Spring Banquet. Isn't that a bad attitude to have?!? Yuck! I'm a lot ashamed to admit it...but it's the way I feel.

So, knowing what I know - which is this: I can't change anyone else, I can only change me. - what do I need to change in order to move past this. I don't want to be the one who buries my talents and then has a displeased Savior to answer to for it. And neither do I want to have a bad attitude and a bitter heart.

So, this is what I've been struggling with. This is what I've been mulling over. And this is the deep down dirty truth about my ugly, human, heart. I am still determined to be everything I'm called to be, but...oh wow... It totally just clicked.....

I just realized what I need to do. I have to get the heart of God so that mine doesn't get in the way. Now the question is: How?

Well, here we go. Time to do some digging....it's time for this girl to figure out how to bloom right here. Right here where I've been planted.

With a heart determined to grow,
Kim