Beginning Again

When I think back on my inner turmoil these last few years and think of why I kept hitting a brick wall with my relationship with God, I realize that I was filled up with hurt, anger, resentment, and even bitterness - even though I never really realized that it was those things. It just felt like an emptiness - sometimes I'd feel it strongly, sometimes less so - that I couldn't explain or put my finger on. My 'life' was okay and filled with things that brought me joy, but there was just this deep down place inside of me that felt a little empty...a little lost and confused.... I had even reached a place where I was doubting the existence of 'God'. I mean, I knew there was something greater than me, I knew that things didn't just explode and evolve into what they are now. I'm smarter than that. But I just wondered how God could be what I saw portrayed by people in my past. People that I had respected and loved! But people who had been so ugly and hurtful sometimes...

So, I found myself doubting...doubting everything I had always known to be true...wondering if it all ever really was true to start with. It was in this place that God started to show me His hand in my life in small gentle ways. I saw Him in my children. I saw Him in the blessings in my life. I saw Him in the quiet moments when I was desperate for peace, and when I'd cry out to Him - as a last resort, I'll admit - He would give me peace. A peace that I knew and recognized. The peace that passes understanding. I saw Him provide when we were at the end of our rope and didn't know where to go or what to do. I saw Him open doors that didn't even exist. I heard Him speak through the mouths of people I didn't know, and then confirm it through the mouth of someone else. My doubt was slowly erased, and it just became a matter of figuring out, for myself, who He really is. I started to search for the truth behind the God I believed in. I stopped looking at people to show me the face of God and I started trying to find His face. Trying to hear His voice. Trying to hear His heart. And I've been searching for a few years now....getting inches closer, and then slipping a few back....inching my way toward total truth again, and then losing courage. What if what I found wasn't what I was hoping for? What if He wasn't what I thought? What if 'they' were right?! What if I was wrong?!?

It's been only in this year, well really the last 8 months, that the puzzle has slowly started to come together. And it's been, literally, in the last week that I've found the biggest missing link. I've realized that in other people's judgement of me (or my perceived judgment from them) I'd allowed myself to feel judged. I allowed myself to feel inferior, to feel like I just couldn't quite measure up, to feel like my relationship with God and what it was just wasn't quite up to par. I failed to realize that God loves me just as I am. He made me. He knows me. He knew me before I was even created. The relationship that He and I have is unique to us. It is one that only He and I can share. And so, because of that, who in the world could ever judge it? Who in this world could ever tell me how it should be? The guidelines for our relationship should come from Him, and Him alone.

Which led me to my next "Aha!" moment. I realized that I have to get to know Him. I have to find Him for myself. This means time in prayer/quiet reflection. It means time in His word. It means a reevaluation of me and the fruits I'm showing - or not showing, if I'm honest! - and my innermost thoughts. It means actually showing up at church to hear the word He has given my pastor, taking notes, re-listening when I need to, and growing this relationship. I mean, I spend a lot of time building up, working on, and taking time for my relationship with my husband. I do the same for my relationship with my kids. Why in the world did I think I didn't need to do the same for my God? And isn't it true that the relationship with Him should come just as naturally, just as easily, and be just as fun and exciting as these other relationships? Don't get me wrong, I have the hard times in my relationships, too - and so I expect I'll have those with God, also - but I sure wouldn't be in a relationship down here that was always hard and a struggle....so, I don't think the one I have with my Father should be that way either. Those times should be the exception, not the rule.

So, it's into His word I go. Diving in head first to see if there's more I can learn about my Father, His love for me, His purpose for my life, and the way I can please Him most. He's certainly held up His end of this relationship - He really has always been with me. No matter what. No matter where I've dragged Him. He's stuck by me. Even when I was running as hard and as fast as I could from this "Christianity" thing, I've always felt Him and His touch on my life. I've been blessed for no other reason I can see, other than that He simply loves me. I've been kept safe and whole, because of nothing exceptional that I've done. The rain falls on the just and unjust and I've been both. Simply put, I've been blessed. I think it's time I put some effort into this thing, too.

Digging deep and starting from the beginning,
Kim