I took a stand today

I took a stand today. I was nervous to do it. I agonized over the wording. I worried I'd offend someone. 


But I did it.


I stood up for what I believe.


My stand was this: I WILL NOT be reading the book "Fifty Shades of Grey". 


And you know, its not simply the ONE book that I won't be reading. I've been feeling lately that romance novels (the ones with 'bedroom scenes', to use polite language) are simply porn directed toward women. It's not a literal picture put in front of us, but those images are instead created in our own minds through the interpretation of the words we are reading, thanks to our imaginations. And if I find myself skipping over a few pages in a novel, maybe I shouldn't be reading it in the first place...


Words are powerful. Whether written or said. 


So, for me, I'll be removing those types of books from my personal library. I don't presume to make the rules for everyone else, but I feel strongly about this issue for myself. And because its something I feel so strongly about, I felt like maybe someone else has been thinking/feeling the same thing and needed to know they weren't alone in their beliefs. So I made a public stand. I hope it helps anyone who needed it and that it causes others to thing a little more about their own personal beliefs. 


And somehow, I hope it helps another woman know that her beliefs are important. They have value. And maybe, just maybe, it will give her the courage to stand...and the sense of freedom that comes with it.

Journaling

I've started keeping a journal.

I used to keep one, but I found that physically writing was ridiculously hard and took me forever. I type sooo much faster than I can write. So, I'm keeping a typed journal. I really like it so far.

I was having a hard time blogging because I would end up almost journaling my thoughts on here. And so, on good days and bad ones I would find myself blogging. And it was hard not to ramble on and on....

Problem solved. I'm journaling.

Hopefully I'll be able to take inspiration from things I'm dealing with, things I'm learning, and experiences I'm having and blog about those things, instead of trying to keep a record of it ALL on here.

Yay for new ideas! :)

So, I may not blog as often, but hopefully the content will be less random, more focused, and more insightful. One can always hope, at any rate.

And, like it always does, time will tell...

Answers

Wow. I woke up this morning and was scrolling through FaceBook while I drank my SPARK and *BAM* God kinda hit me in the face with answers to my questions from last night. 


Here's what I read:

Wouldn't it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. The deeper you love yourself, the more the universe will affirm your worth. Then you can enjoy a lifelong love affair that brings you the richest fulfillment from inside out. ~Alan Cohen
Written by: Kayla (Click HERE to read her blog.)

That was written by my friend, Kayla. It was just a big wow moment for me. I 'liked' her status and kept on scrolling.

I ran into this one next:

Stay on track this weekend with your goals! Be strong and remember why you started this journey. I know it can be hard, but you are not alone. Look to God for strength, He is right there waiting for you to hand over your fears, your doubts and your worries to Him :) Blessings to you all. WE can do this!! Press on....

Written by: Jen (Click HERE to read her blog.)

What's kind of crazy about that one is I kind of stumbled across Jen's blog yesterday afternoon through a random series of events. A friend posted a picture to pinterest, which made a status update on FB. I clicked it, clicked the picture, and found her blog.... random right? Well, I sent her a friend request on FB through her blog because I liked her story and wanted to take some time over the next few weeks and read her blogs. Craziness. Her post this morning totally spoke to me. 

As I sat here thinking about how God just kind of handed me some inspiration on a platter, I scrolled a little further....and found confirmation number 3.

When God gave the command to go to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses' immediate response was to say, "Who am I?" Perhaps he was thinking of his occupation as a lowly shepherd living in Midian. Maybe he was referring to his lineage--He was part of the Hebrew race that was enslaved in Egypt. Or He might have been recalling his past, when he killed an Egyptian and had to flee Egypt (Ex. 2:12). The Lord answered his objection with a wonderful promise: "I will be with you" (3:12).

In order to carry out God's plan, we need to believe fully in the One who has called us. When Moses questioned his assignment again, the Lord answered by revealing Himself as the great I AM and the One who had promised to rescue the Israelites (vv. 14-17). By trusting in the character and promises of almighty God, Moses would be able to carry out this seemingly impossible assignment. -Dr. Stanley 

Written by: Derrick

And then my friend, Derrick, commented on his post. He said: ‎"Faith barriers hinder the flow of divine power in our life, slow spiritual growth, and prevent us from fully carrying out God's will. We must remember who He is, who we are, and where power comes from. That is, He's Sovereign over all, we're new creations in Christ, and His Spirit empowers us."

Okay, God. I'm listening.

Wishing...

You know something? Sometimes I wish I was different.

As I blogged this morning about my day, as I thought about how wonderful my life is and how blessed I am, I realized that the one thing that I am not completely happy with is me. I often feel like I'm not good enough or like I'm not capable of adequately taking care of all I've been given. I wonder why I've been so blessed. The fact that I am blessed isn't even a question, it's obvious that I am. But why me? There's so many little things I wish were different about me....

I wish I was one of those cute girls who always looks put together and gorgeous. You know, clothes, hair, and makeup all just right. Sometimes I wish I was super athletic. I wish I could throw a football with the guys and not look like a complete idiot. I wish I had been allowed to play soccer as a kid. (I don't know what that matters, but for some reason I think that if I had been allowed to then maybe, just maybe, I'd be more athletic today.) I wish sometimes that I had more get-up-and-go and was more self-motivated. I wish that I could fix my hair a million different ways, like I see some girls do, and that I had the patience to do it! I wish that I kept a spotless house like I used to. I wish I was uber organized the way that I once was. I wish that my kids were perfectly well behaved all the time, and that it was because of some amazing quality that I had that brought peace and organization to the chaos I live in. (It's sweet chaos, but it's chaotic none the less.) I wish that I had more time to read books. I wish I could read self-help books and remember what I read for longer than a few days/weeks. I wish that I could set my mind to do something and do it, without forgetting about everything else I need to do in the process. I wish I knew what to say to hurting people, instead of feeling lost and inept. I wish I woke up every morning with my goals clearly before me and a mission each day. I wish I went to bed every night feeling accomplished and like I had done a great job by my husband and kiddos, instead of thinking about all the things I could have done differently.

I wish, I wish, I wish....

So, in "Kim-esque" fashion, this makes me ask myself some questions.

So, how do I become all of that? Is it worth my efforts? Which piece of that puzzle matters the most? Where do I start? How do I do those things?

And that leads me to this train of thought - Do I dare document the journey? I'm talking honestly document the journey. Post how I really feel, what I really think, what I'm really going through. Am I willing to look at the glass half empty sometimes and see the bad and not just ignore it? Am I willing to take a leap of faith and prioritize my 'goals' and try to become the person I dream of? Are those things that important to me? Or am I just wishing my life away for something not worth attaining to?

I tend to make things kind of grey in my attempt to see it from all angles. And I tend to over analyze things. By the way, I can totally hear you chuckling at that. I know it's kind of obvious that I over think things! I can't help it! Another one of those things I wish I didn't do so much. I wish I just made a decision - one based on facts and made quickly - and jumped right into stuff. But I don't. And maybe that's okay.... it's gotten me this far! :) I have a kind of focused intensity on things. I'll pick one thing that needs to happen and I zero in on it until it's done. But in the process, I leave everything else just kind of laying around until I finished that one thing. And then I feel like I'm starting from scratch on all of those things. It's a vicious cycle.

Do you deal with any of that? What helps you?

A day in the life of me

I had BIG plans yesterday of having all the kiddos in bed by 7p. *laughing hysterically at my  naiveté *

Around 9p I finally got the 3 younger babies in bed, by 10:30p I had all 4 of them in their beds, and by 11p they were all FINALLY asleep. By then I felt the need to relax and grabbed a bubble bath and a book. And as a result I didn't go to sleep until 2a. Oops.

I'm just a bit tired today. To put it mildly. 

My body is tired, but my heart is full. And you know what? I'm happy!

My life is often crazy and chaotic. My home is usually a disaster zone for 4 daily tornadoes. But my home is full of love, joy, and peace.

I am blessed.

My day is usually started by little voices in the baby monitor saying, "Mooommmmaaaa....I'm ready to get uuuuppppp.", very sweetly and softly. Those voices get louder and more insistent with each repetition. And if I fail to get downstairs and to those babies quickly enough I'll hear thump thump thump on the stairs as they run up them to find me. Sometimes they'll knock first, but I'm always jumped on by 2 sets of arms and legs and lots of "The sun is awake, Momma! It's time to GET UP!" from excited little boys. The girls are less enthusiastic about the start of a new day. When I come downstairs I usually find them snuggled up half asleep on the couch watching cartoons. Maybe they'll have made themselves a snack, maybe they'll have gotten dressed, maybe they'll be grumpy and whiny....it's always a toss of the coin with those two. (I have visions of teenagers in my future...)

So, I mosey into the kitchen and make myself a SPARK. (Think coffee, for those of you who don't know what SPARK is. It's my mental wake me up. I don't go without it.) I always end up sharing it with kiddos, so I always make extra. Once I'm half-way awake I start on breakfast. Depending on the voracity of appetites - which I usually gauge by grouchiness levels - I'll make something quick or something more intricate. You know, quick like oatmeal or intricate like sausage, eggs, and biscuits. Hey, I never claimed to be a chef! ;) Then it's time to snuggle on the couch and wait for moods to improve. Once the food kicks in, my day EXPLODES. Kids running every direction, toys come out in full force, laughter, giggles, screams, debates, fights, "I'm sorrys", new ideas, imaginations going crazy, games made up on the spot, trains on major journeys, cars having races, school teachers teaching baby dolls. Just to name a little bit of my "sweet chaos". :) This is my time to clean the kitchen, play referee, change diapers (only one kiddo left in those things, thank you Jesus!), and start heating the oven up for lunch.

And so my day continues....

I don't usually sit down, except to eat, all day. But I do laugh a lot, rescue random toys, give out lots of hugs and kisses, and enjoy my life. I'm busy. My kids drive me crazy sometimes. But I'm fulfilled. I'm happy. And I'm blessed.

It's in the quiet moments after my house has settled down for the night that I realize how boring my life would be if it was any different. I've had people ask me why I have 4 kids....and well, we just do! It felt like the right decision and I can't imagine my life any other way. People ask us all the time if we are done, if we'll have any more, etc. And I don't know. I know we aren't having any more any time soon, but I don't know what God has planned for us. I do know that I am content, my heart is full, and my life is blessed because of these four little faces, these four sets of dirty feet, and these four little lives we are blessed to mold and shape on their way to becoming who God has designed them to be.

So, here's what I know -
My life is crazy and chaotic, I may be tired often, my home is usually decorated by children, and I am blessed.

Father's Day 2012

Just for the record, my kids have the best Dad in the world. 

I'm not kidding. 

The man is amazing.

So, for Father's Day this year I wanted to do something more than just a card from the store that the kids all signed. I decided to get the kiddos involved and make something to show him how awesome we think he is. The project we picked was a homemade candy card. We planned, schemed and shopped all week, and then created the card while he was at work on Saturday, the day before Father's Day. 

We had a blast making it and made tons of memories in the process. 

We took a million pictures, but here is one of my favorites.

The kiddos did an amazing job keeping it a secret until the big reveal! 

I was actually a little shocked that they ALL managed to keep it a surprise! 

Even my littlest didn't spill the beans!

Father's Day arrived and we went to church and, afterwards, my mother-in-law and I made lunch for Kurt and my Father-in-law. 

We made pork chops, green beans, and my maw-in-law's special german-fried potatoes!

I was trying to give her bunny ears but I didn't get my hand up quickly enough!

After lunch it was time for the kiddos to give their Daddy his homemade gift. They were so excited!!!

It was a HUGE hit. He loved it! I even saw him get a little misty-eyed. (Shhhhh....he won't admit it, but I know what I saw.) ;)

This man means the world to me. He has been my rock, my best friend, and the one who loves me no matter what for the last 8 years. I am proud of the man he is. And I am thankful for the Daddy he is to our babies. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I hope you had a chance to thank the men in your life who have helped shape and mold you, who have supported you and been there when you needed them.
I had an amazing Daddy (well, I technically still do!) and I will be forever grateful for his unconditional love. I've always been his princess and he has always made me feel adored, important, and cherished.
It's his fault I found the amazing man I did.
(You see, my husband had a high standard to live up to. And so, only a man as amazing as Kurt was able to pass the bar. I married an amazing man.)
Thank you, Daddy, for showing me what true love is and for setting me up for a life of happiness and blessings. Your prayers for me have made all the difference in the world.
I love you.

Me and my Daddy. The first man I ever loved. <3

And to all the other Dads out there....

Happy Father's Day!

Timely Reminder

It's been one of those days.

I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately.

I've yelled at my kids more than I'd like to admit, I've actually thrown a small basket of toys down onto the floor, I've slammed a door once (okay, fine, I did it twice) and I've just been rather unpleasant to be around.

I'm frustrated.
I'm overwhelmed.

And the kiddos didn't get the "let's be perfect angels for mommy today" memo. So, they have been absolutely crazy today.

So, before I completely lost my temper or went bonkers, I put them all in their rooms for some quiet time. The girls are reading books and the boys are watching a short movie. I knew I needed some time to breathe and get myself pulled back together. I was at a loss of how to do that so I just sat down at the computer and started reading my old blogs. I don't really know why....I just kind of was drawn to them. As I was reading I found this one and oh. my. goodness. It's exactly where I'm at today. As I read it the tears started to well up in my eyes and it was a timely reminder for me that this job I have, this stay-at-home mommy thing, is a calling, that I am allowed to have bad days but that it's my calling to be Jesus to my babies and so I don't get to be ugly. I was reminded that my words create my world, and so spouting off about how frustrated I am isn't exactly productive. Last I checked, that's not really speaking life into the situation....  Oops....

I think it's time I remember about the day I learned to be 2, 4, 5, and 9 with my babies. I need to take it down a notch and remember what I'm here to do. I'm here to be Jesus to these babies. And I'm here to be the very best mommy I can be. I need to slow things down and quit stressing myself out about the things I can't control and follow my own advice - "Love on your family. Have time for your man. Sit on the floor with your kids. Hey, sit in the dirt with your kids! Remember that kiddos are washable and dirt never hurt anybody (whispering* and that means you too!!!*) and memories are forever! Love with your whole heart, with your time, and with your actions!" 

So, I'm wiping the tears away, I'm gonna go hug my kids and tell them I'm sorry for being a bratty mommy this morning, and we're gonna start this day over. I only get one shot at this thing and I'm not going to let myself have a bad attitude and create a world full of 'yuck' for my babies.

Pulling myself up by my bootstraps,
Kim

The Difference a Year Makes

Exactly one year ago this past month, I was in a place in my life where I was kind of running out of hope. I was really sick (I had severe postpartum depression) and I was so doped up on prescription medication to help me cope, I was just miserable. I felt like a zombie and it was affecting every aspect of my life. My health was in decline, my relationships were suffering, and I just wasn't involved in 'life' at all. I was trying so hard to make life meaningful and make memories for my family, and I can look back at pictures and see the things we did together,but I don't really remember doing most of it. I absolutely adore my family and they are literally what kept me going through the dark times. It was the feeling of being needed by them that kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I am the only mom my kiddos get, and I was determined to be here...no matter how I felt in the quiet moments by myself...and I knew how to paste on a smile and pretend I was okay for the world, but deep down I wasn't okay at all.......

I was praying desperately for answers. I knew that I needed healing for my mind, and for my body. I went to church on a Sunday and prayed as hard as I ever have for God to 'fix me', to make my mind whole again, for me to just FEEL better. The very next day I heard from a friend and she introduced me to AdvoCare. (Stay with me...this isn't an AdvoCare infomercial. I promise!) I felt like this was an answer to my prayers, so I decided to take a leap of faith and give it a try. After two days on products, I knew I was feeling better than I had felt in a long time, but it was when my husband looked at me and told me, "Kim, whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT! You have a light back in your eyes I haven't seen in a long time." that I knew it was working. So, I did what he said. I kept taking my products...and I kept praying. Within two months I felt like a completely different person. I wasn't completely better, but I was waaaay better than I had been. I was off of all of my medications and I felt like the fog was going away. 


(Please hear me when I say that AdvoCare isn't a magic cure-everything potion, and I know that it doesn't 'cure' depression, but what happened for me when I put good nutrition in my body was nothing short of a miracle as far as I was concerned.)

Over the next 6 months as I kept getting healthier I started making better food choices. I started getting more active. I found myself more involved with my family. I found my relationship with my husband improving. I just felt better!!!! And I went from a size 18 to a tight size 12 in the first half of those 6 months!!!! I was thrilled!!! :) I went through my very first Holiday Season without gaining weight. I was super happy about that! So, life was better. I was better. And it was during this time that I started to focus on the inner-me and doing some soul searching. I found an amazing ladies ministry that helped me through a lot of the 'self growth' I was diving into. I knew I needed to work on some things going on inside of me, and so I dedicated all of my efforts into that. That's when I started keeping a journal. That's when I started blogging. All pieces to the puzzle of finding my way to who God has called me to be.


It wasn't until March of this year that I decided it was time to focus on losing the rest of this weight and getting stronger and healthier than I've ever been. So, I went to work on the physical part of a healthier me. I found a local gym near my home, that is currently offering free fitness classes for stay-at-home moms (with free childcare!) and started attending. (The only cost to attend this class is checking in on their FaceBook page every time I workout! Super cool!) I also linked up with some friends and started seriously making myself accountable for what I was eating, and started diligently tracking my food and exercise on a free website that had an app for my phone. If you add it all up, it equals to a transformation of my every day lifestyle and going from the 12/14 size I had maintained to a 8/10 (so far!). I'm now stronger than I can ever remember being. I can now officially do hand-stands - and I'm talking, for the first time. EVER!  The awe in my girls' eyes as I did hand-stands and cartwheels in our yard last week is something that will be with me forever. My oldest daughter is 9 and she was totally impressed. #score!  I'm running a half mile, 3 times a week before working out, and it's getting easier and easier each time. (You have to understand, I've always been a bit....well, we'll call it curvy, in lieu of calling me a chubster!...and so running, or any type of athletics was never my 'thing'.) I've also signed up to run in my first 5k Obstacle Course/Mud Run with some of my friends, and so I'm in training for that. I'm doing things I never in a million years thought I could do. All because I made a decision to change my life. 

All this reflection of the past year came about as I was looking at some pictures with the kiddos yesterday, and it was during that time that I realized that the past year truly has been a period of transformation for me. The visual just made it really really real all of a sudden. Here, see for yourself!

BEFORE: February 2011                                NOW: June 2012

AdvoCare has had a HUGE part in helping me - simply because the products that they offer are top notch and the best in the industry in nutrition and supplements - but I don't discount the effort I've put in too. And I can't forget to give God the credit for helping me find what I needed to get well. For putting in front of me the door that I needed to walk through to get started on this journey. All I know is this: my life is completely different now.

I went to a meeting last night and my mentor said something that really hit home for me. She said, "You can't change the past, but you can completely change the future". And that's what I've decided to do. Every day I'm going to wake up with the goal to do 'today' the very best I can do it.

It's a journey, not a sprint, and it's only just begun!!!

Blessed

My boys are misbehaving.

My body is weary.

My house is a wreck.

But I'm still thankful.....

I have two healthy boys.

I have a sound mind.

I have a roof over my head.

I am blessed.

Sweating the small stuff today..... because even when the day isn't perfect, even when things don't go my way, I am still blessed, I am still in His perfect will, and I will choose joy.

When my body is tired, when my kids are acting crazy, when my house is overwhelming, I am still blessed, I am still in His perfect will, and I will choose joy.

When the words won't come to explain my emotions, when I can't find the reserve I need to get it all done, when my day has been hard, I am still blessed, I am still in His perfect will, and I will choose joy.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ. Philippians 4:6-7 (The Living Bible)


I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. John 14:27 (The Living Bible)

Beginning Again

When I think back on my inner turmoil these last few years and think of why I kept hitting a brick wall with my relationship with God, I realize that I was filled up with hurt, anger, resentment, and even bitterness - even though I never really realized that it was those things. It just felt like an emptiness - sometimes I'd feel it strongly, sometimes less so - that I couldn't explain or put my finger on. My 'life' was okay and filled with things that brought me joy, but there was just this deep down place inside of me that felt a little empty...a little lost and confused.... I had even reached a place where I was doubting the existence of 'God'. I mean, I knew there was something greater than me, I knew that things didn't just explode and evolve into what they are now. I'm smarter than that. But I just wondered how God could be what I saw portrayed by people in my past. People that I had respected and loved! But people who had been so ugly and hurtful sometimes...

So, I found myself doubting...doubting everything I had always known to be true...wondering if it all ever really was true to start with. It was in this place that God started to show me His hand in my life in small gentle ways. I saw Him in my children. I saw Him in the blessings in my life. I saw Him in the quiet moments when I was desperate for peace, and when I'd cry out to Him - as a last resort, I'll admit - He would give me peace. A peace that I knew and recognized. The peace that passes understanding. I saw Him provide when we were at the end of our rope and didn't know where to go or what to do. I saw Him open doors that didn't even exist. I heard Him speak through the mouths of people I didn't know, and then confirm it through the mouth of someone else. My doubt was slowly erased, and it just became a matter of figuring out, for myself, who He really is. I started to search for the truth behind the God I believed in. I stopped looking at people to show me the face of God and I started trying to find His face. Trying to hear His voice. Trying to hear His heart. And I've been searching for a few years now....getting inches closer, and then slipping a few back....inching my way toward total truth again, and then losing courage. What if what I found wasn't what I was hoping for? What if He wasn't what I thought? What if 'they' were right?! What if I was wrong?!?

It's been only in this year, well really the last 8 months, that the puzzle has slowly started to come together. And it's been, literally, in the last week that I've found the biggest missing link. I've realized that in other people's judgement of me (or my perceived judgment from them) I'd allowed myself to feel judged. I allowed myself to feel inferior, to feel like I just couldn't quite measure up, to feel like my relationship with God and what it was just wasn't quite up to par. I failed to realize that God loves me just as I am. He made me. He knows me. He knew me before I was even created. The relationship that He and I have is unique to us. It is one that only He and I can share. And so, because of that, who in the world could ever judge it? Who in this world could ever tell me how it should be? The guidelines for our relationship should come from Him, and Him alone.

Which led me to my next "Aha!" moment. I realized that I have to get to know Him. I have to find Him for myself. This means time in prayer/quiet reflection. It means time in His word. It means a reevaluation of me and the fruits I'm showing - or not showing, if I'm honest! - and my innermost thoughts. It means actually showing up at church to hear the word He has given my pastor, taking notes, re-listening when I need to, and growing this relationship. I mean, I spend a lot of time building up, working on, and taking time for my relationship with my husband. I do the same for my relationship with my kids. Why in the world did I think I didn't need to do the same for my God? And isn't it true that the relationship with Him should come just as naturally, just as easily, and be just as fun and exciting as these other relationships? Don't get me wrong, I have the hard times in my relationships, too - and so I expect I'll have those with God, also - but I sure wouldn't be in a relationship down here that was always hard and a struggle....so, I don't think the one I have with my Father should be that way either. Those times should be the exception, not the rule.

So, it's into His word I go. Diving in head first to see if there's more I can learn about my Father, His love for me, His purpose for my life, and the way I can please Him most. He's certainly held up His end of this relationship - He really has always been with me. No matter what. No matter where I've dragged Him. He's stuck by me. Even when I was running as hard and as fast as I could from this "Christianity" thing, I've always felt Him and His touch on my life. I've been blessed for no other reason I can see, other than that He simply loves me. I've been kept safe and whole, because of nothing exceptional that I've done. The rain falls on the just and unjust and I've been both. Simply put, I've been blessed. I think it's time I put some effort into this thing, too.

Digging deep and starting from the beginning,
Kim

Love

I woke up this morning with a smile, a light heart, and the joy that comes only from the Father.

The special song from service yesterday is still going in my mind.

All I can think about is that I'm so thankful for the mercy of the Father. I'm so grateful that He died for sinners like me.

I have struggled so much with the judgement that 'Christians' have shown me and others who have failed. I've had a hard time with people who are more focused on the 'rules' of living for God, than being focused on the people we're commissioned to love. It's only been in the past year or two that I've begun to see that those people were wrong, living for God isn't supposed to be hard and nearly impossible, and that the love of God is what is supposed to soak us to our very core. THE LOVE OF GOD should radiate from us and be what others see. It's the purpose behind all we do. It's the light that guides our way. It's the hope that we have for our own salvation and it's what we should share to give others that same hope.

I'm so peaceful today in my realization that I can't do this alone. I'm not designed to! And that brings me so much joy. The pressure to become something better, more deserving of God's grace, is gone! Today I'm walking in the realization that I have no rights to anything - yet, my Father loves me so much that it is mine anyway.

This burning passion in my heart for people, for the people who have no hope, the people who just need to be loved.....it's a gift from God. And it's who he designed me to be. It's only through my loving Him and drawing closer to Him that He can use that heart to reach my brothers and sisters who need Him too.

I want to love like He does.

~ Kim

My Daddy Loves Me

Guess what!   ....I learned something today.....   All the determination in my little heart will never make me who I need/want/desire to be. And no matter how hard I try, I'll never get there on my own.

I also learned that the same God who has forgiven me for the things I have done, for the times I have failed, for the mess I've made of my life - oh, the list can go on and on - That same God, loves me today. Right now. Just as I am. And I'll never be good enough, strong enough, kind enough, full of purpose enough to deserve that love. I'll never be or do enough to earn or deserve His grace. I already have it. The price was paid long long ago. It was paid for me so that I don't have to be alone on this journey. So that I don't have to figure out this life on my own.

My heart is so full of peace, my mind feels so clear and uninhibited, I am full of ideas of things I want to do, things I want to accomplish, ways I want to love on people, and it's all coming together in the realization that I don't have to DO it! It's in my willingness to Let Go and just be who I am in search of who God is that I will find my purpose fulfilled. It's in that place of "I'm not good enough and that's AWESOME" that I'll be everything I'm called to be. It's in that place of "I don't have what it takes to get this done, but God DOES!" that I'll find myself doing more than I ever thought possible. Because it won't be me! :) It'll be Him working through me.

So, this morning the pressure is OFF and the joy is ON. :) I'm filled to capacity with hope and peace and excitement that I feel because of the love of my Father. This morning I climbed up in his lap and told him my faults and failings and He just kind of chuckled (that deep rumbly chuckle you hear when your head is pressed against your Daddy's chest) and rumbled, "I know, my love. I made you exactly this way." And it's in that quiet moment that I realized that what I've always known to be true, really is true: I was made on purpose, for a purpose, and it's really not up to me to find the path. It's my job to follow where He leads me.


I've got my dancing shoes on and it's time to party! This little girl has found her way home.

Resting my little heart in my Father's arms,
Kim

Inner Struggle

I wrote this several weeks back, and I think I'm ready to post it. I'm on a journey of transparency, of learning that the ugliness of my human heart is not something brand new to God, and that in becoming transparent He can do His work in me. So, here it is....my inner struggle.

**********************

Sometimes I find myself fighting a battle within myself that I'm not sure I want to share with the whole world. I'm writing this not really sure that I'll ever actually publish it, but I just need to get it out of me and on 'paper', so to speak.

For the most part, I'm a pretty positive person. I don't like to look at the negative and I prefer to find the positive in every situation. I try to avoid conflict and I seldom get offended. I prefer to believe the best of people and I love with my whole heart.

And then there's the other part of me...the part that gets my feelings hurt. There's the part of me that is selfish and a little bit sarcastic and tends to get annoyed really quickly. I don't have a lot of patience for 'stupid' and I don't like it when people take advantage of me. I get annoyed at other people's elevation of themselves and their nonacceptance of other's faults, failings, and opinions. But, in my annoyance, aren't I doing the same thing?.... Oh, the vicious cycle of judgement and hurt. It's just ugly.

So, where does that put me? How do I change it? How do I learn to just do what I'm called to do, no matter what others are doing?....

It's been a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. I have gifts and talents I know I'm not using. But I'm having a hard time putting myself 'out there' to use those gifts and talents. In my selfishness, I don't want to have to tip-toe around and deal with those "grace builders" Sis. Kimberly so eloquently spoke about at the Ladies Spring Banquet. Isn't that a bad attitude to have?!? Yuck! I'm a lot ashamed to admit it...but it's the way I feel.

So, knowing what I know - which is this: I can't change anyone else, I can only change me. - what do I need to change in order to move past this. I don't want to be the one who buries my talents and then has a displeased Savior to answer to for it. And neither do I want to have a bad attitude and a bitter heart.

So, this is what I've been struggling with. This is what I've been mulling over. And this is the deep down dirty truth about my ugly, human, heart. I am still determined to be everything I'm called to be, but...oh wow... It totally just clicked.....

I just realized what I need to do. I have to get the heart of God so that mine doesn't get in the way. Now the question is: How?

Well, here we go. Time to do some digging....it's time for this girl to figure out how to bloom right here. Right here where I've been planted.

With a heart determined to grow,
Kim

Celebrating 7 Amazing Years

Happy 7th Anniversary to my sweetheart

It was 8 years ago, today, that I met this amazing man.
He instantly stole my heart and my life was forever changed.
I have been blessed beyond measure because of the gift of his love that he gave me.

Ten months after we met  he proposed, first to Mia
- he asked her if he could be her Daddy -
and then to me.

We were married 8 weeks later, exactly one year after we met.

And now "I know how the river feels".
(Click the link to hear our wedding song)

Kurt, you have enriched my life in ways I never thought possible. You have brought me so much joy and you have taught me so much. I have never been the same since the moment your heart touched mine. You are an absolutely incredible man and you amaze me so often with your willingness to do whatever it takes to care for me and our babies. You are a man of integrity and a true example of love. I will love you forever for the Dad you are to our kiddos, but the way you love me just takes my breath away. You bend over backwards to make me happy, and so today I want you to know that I appreciate you and all that you do, each and every day, to make our life together so amazing.

I choose you again today just like I did on this day 7 years ago, on our wedding day, and I choose you for each of my tomorrows. 

Forever and always.

<3 - Kim

Letting Go

Have you ever found yourself walking around a little bit dazed, feeling a little bit empty, a whole lot confused, and not really knowing why you are feeling that way? This is the place I've found myself lately. I'm feeling a little disoriented....not really sure what my purpose is or where I'm supposed to be headed. I mean, I know my purpose so far as the "mommy/wife" role, but I'm talking about the greater purpose that God has for me. The where that I'm supposed to be going for Him.

I'm still not sure where that is, but I do know that I'm here, in this place, for a reason. (Still not sure what the reason IS, but I know that I know that I know that God doesn't just leave us....so I'm here for a reason.) And I know that time will show it to me....when He's ready.

Yesterday at church my amazing pastor taught an amazing sermon. I know that he spoke on a major event in the Bible with several really amazing points, but to be honest I couldn't tell you what they were. What I got from the sermon, however was this: It's time to let go. It's time to let go of the hurts, the fears, the disappointments, the failures, the lies, the "issues" with others or that others have had with me, the anger, the disillusionment caused by situations and things out of my control. It's time to let go of the things that are so deep down that I can't even put a name on them. It's time to just LET GO.

So, I did. I honestly can't tell you what all I let go of, but I just did it. And it came from somewhere deep in me and it was hard, and it hurt, and then it felt so freeing. My heart got light, my tears came from somewhere deep inside me that was just relieved to let. it. go. And all I know is this: I really really really don't want it back. So, whatever it was that I was letting make me hard, whatever it was that I was allowing to keep walls up, whatever it was that was making me bitter....good riddance!

I feel deep within me that now it's time to just be still and let God do His work in me. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what He's got planned for me, but I know that I'm willing. And I know that it is good. And perfect. And something only I can do. Because above all else I know that God created me on purpose, for a purpose, and perfectly for His kingdom.

So, this heart is now determined in a different way, for now. I am determined to be still, and to wait... I know He'll speak when I'm truly ready.

Love,
Kim

Bring on the torture!

I went to an AdvoCare mixer last night and, after it was over, all of us 'AdvoLadies' hung out and chatted about life, this journey we are on, the struggles we've faced/are facing, and encouraged each other to take it all to the next level. (Have I mentioned lately how awesome it is to have such amazing friends in my life? I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by women who have positive attitudes, hearts full of purpose, and big vision for their lives. It kind of rubs off on ya!) Any who, during the chat this amazing place called Xtreme KidFit was brought up. Now, I've heard chatter about this amazing place on FaceBook, but I decided to take the leap and go today. OH. MY. WOW. It was UH-MAY-ZING! The classes are free for mommies and they provide childcare while you work out. *raises hand* Yes, please! Sign me up! :)

So, I got there this morning and just did what everyone else did. I was welcomed with big smiles and open arms, and the instructor was absolutely fantastic. I felt right at ease. My body responded to the workout better than I'd hoped - it just went right back into the workout mode it used to be in...I guess muscle memory is something that exists!? Yay! - and even with Dillon being a little toot-head I got a GREAT workout. I can't wait until Monday morning when I get to do it again!

I am excited about my future, I'm so thankful for the women God has placed in my life, and I'm truly enjoying this journey I'm on. It's not always easy, it's not always fun, but every step has been absolutely, positively, worth it. And this new phase I'm in is super exciting!!! I can't wait to see where it takes me! :)

With rubbery legs and a big fat smile,
Kim

What's on my mind...

Life has a way of getting crazy busy and making time just slip right on by. Have you ever noticed that? I remember when summer seemed to drraaaaggg on and on, and now it flies right on by.

As I get older, and as my children are growing up so stinkin' fast, I am learning the art of slowing down, relishing the moment I'm in, and realizing that it's okay if "the list" doesn't get accomplished. I have other things that matter more to me than whether or not someone might show up unannounced and find that my house isn't immaculate. I have learned that there are things I can do to keep my sanity (keep the kitchen and bathrooms clean, pick up the floors twice a day, etc.) but not steal all of my time away from those 5 precious people that God has given me. I have started taking pictures again. I have decided that if something were to happen to me my family will have memories, not just in their minds, but actual, physical, hang-on-to, pictures and videos with which to remember the love that we have in this home. I have decided that my job as the "home-maker" extends far beyond keeping the house clean and the clothes washed. While those things are still part of my job description, they are not the measure by which my success will be decided. My success at this job will be decided by the love I show, the things I teach my children, the time I give my husband, the joy with which I live, and the intangible things I leave behind.

I wonder how many of us, as women, get so caught up in the things we need to do, the places we need to go, the errands we need to run, the bills we need to pay, the surfaces we need to clean, the clothes we need to wash....the list goes on and on.... that we forget that our time is the most precious thing we have. We forget that once a moment is past, it is gone forever. We forget that the people for which we are doing those very things are the absolute MOST important piece of the puzzle. I wish we would learn to just STOP and laugh. Just STOP and let our kids be kids! Let them run in the livingroom! Let them act crazy and silly, while sitting on the floor laughing at them until they've had their fill of our attention. I wish we would set aside "the list" and let the kiddos dictate the day sometimes. I wish we would let our kids "help" more. Even if it does take 4 times as long to accomplish a task! I wish we would remember that we -and we alone - are responsible for the memories our children will have as adults. We are responsible for the adults they will one day be. We are showing them their worth through the time we are willing to give them.

I have a challenge for you today, if you'd like to take it. Take a good measure of your life. Look at your days, look at your week, look at your month.....what is it full of? What do your actions show to be the most important thing to you? Is it "the list"? Is it "the job"? Is it "your commitments"? Or is it your family? How can you change your actions to reflect your heart?....If your heart says one thing, and your actions are showing another, how can you fix that?....

Now, GO! Do THAT! :)

Love on your family. Have time for your man. Sit on the floor with your kids. Hey, sit in the dirt with your kids! Remember that kiddos are washable and dirt never hurt anybody (whispering* and that means you too!!!*) and memories are forever! Love with your whole heart, with your time, and with your actions!

Be blessed, my friends.

With all the love in my determined heart,
Kim

Introspection

I have come to realize that I'm really good at being aware of when I'm doing something wrong and determining in my heart to fix it. In the process, I'm realizing that I'm not so great at giving myself a pat on the back for the things I do right. So, I think in all fairness to myself it's time I recognize what talents, gifts, and strengths God has given me.

I am a good friend.
I love deeply.
I am a faithful person.
I am fair.
I have a kind heart.
I am a good Momma and a nurturer by nature.
I am organized and detail-oriented.
I love to give.
I see the glass as half-full.
I love to show love to people.

You know something? It was kind of hard to write those down and not put the "exceptions" out beside them. You know, those times that I know that I fail at those basic things. It was hard to not think of some moments when I did not exactly exemplify those things. But, I know, from a place deep within me, that those ten things are true, are good, are God-given, and are who I am. I know that God has designed me with gifts, talents, and the attributes that make me 'Me' on purpose. I was created and formed for a purpose. And I will live that out. I am determined to become what God created me to be. I will build a legacy that matters. I will leave to my children those things that are intangible. Those things that matter, not just in this life, but in the eternity that is to come. And I will strive to be excellent in all that I do.

With all of my determined heart,
Kim

Struggles and Perspective

Did you know that it takes effort to be positive? Did you know that our basic human nature says that life is hard, things aren't always great, and that we CAN'T do it all? I bet you didn't think I ever feel like that....I get told that often. People think I have it all together, that my life is a bunch of sunshine and daisies, and I am always happy. Ummmm....nope. Hate to break it to ya, but that not the truth. My life isn't a life of perfection. I get grumpy. OFTEN. I feel like my world is spinning out of control. I have a temper. (Don't pass out! lol!!!) I have a smart mouth. I tend to be sarcastic more often than I'm serious. I struggle with wanting to sit on my tush and do a big fat bunch of nothing. I don't like confrontations. I don't like to argue. But I do like to be right. So, I'm very good at debate. I get my feelings hurt - although I don't get offended easily - and I take things to heart more than people think I do. But, with all that said, there is one thing that keeps my life from being a big bowl of "feeling sorry for myself". And that is: Jesus.

Jesus gives me a peace in spite of myself. Jesus gives me the hope that I can be better, do better, and act better. Jesus gives me joy that I cannot explain. Jesus gives me spankings when I need it (He speaks to my heart, if I'll take the time to listen!) and He gives me instruction on how to do/be/act differently. Jesus gives me grace to be who I am, on the way to who He wants me to be. Jesus understands that I am human in every part of me and that it is through Him I am made perfect. In and of myself, I am absolutely nothing. But, Jesus shines through me and is the light through which I get His perspective on this crazy thing called life.

Today I've struggled with a short fuse. I've struggled with the list of things I need to do, versus the woman who is tired of doing the same thing every day. And I know that He'll give me the strength to do those things I've been called to do, because....well, because I've been called to do them! Being a stay-at-home mommy is a calling. I believe that with all my heart. It's a 24/7 job that doesn't give me sick days or time off to sit on my couch and stare at the sunshine on the floor. I'm on my feet, working, all day - every day. And you know what? It's what I'm called to do. I kiss boo-boos. I spank bottoms. I am the enforcer of time out. I am the peace-maker between warring siblings. I am the book reader, the story teller, the puzzle-putter-together-er, the chef, the dishwasher, the bath giver, the personal stylist....on and on and on. But most importantly - I am the Jesus my babies see every day. And because of that I choose to speak life. I choose to be positive. I choose to lay my weariness down at the feet of Jesus and pick up His strength. I choose to love with His love. And I realize that if it was up to me, and to me alone, it wouldn't be possible.

My friends, lay yourself at the feet of Jesus, and let Him shine through you. You'll be so very glad you did. And when we fail at what we're working so hard to do, remember that His mercy is new every day. We get a brand new start whenever we ask for it. And for that, I'm truly thankful.

Love,
Kim

Attitude is a choice

Hey there, my friends! Today has been one of "those days". You know, the kind that come once a month, last about a week, and cause you to drive everyone you love insane? Yeah, one of those days. BUT, I know that a bad attitude is a choice and I CHOOSE to NOT have one. :) So, I've spent some time talking to God about it - speaking of, He is the very best friend ever. He totally listens, gets what I'm saying, doesn't judge me, and helps me cope. Seriously! What better friend is there? - and I'm doing what it takes to make sure I am equipped to handle the responsibilities I've been blessed to have.

I'd like to encourage you guys today, to take some time for yourself when you're having a day (week?) like I'm currently having. Do like my friend told me and put yourself in time out. :) Talk to the very best friend you'll ever find (Jesus) and then do what it takes to make yourself feel better. Eat something good for you. Drink some water. Drink some SPARK! LOL! Maybe grab a piece of chocolate. Perhaps, go for a walk. And remember: A bad attitude is, ultimately, a choice. You get to choose how you react to life. So, choose wisely! I'm doing my best to follow that advice! What's right isn't always easy; but it is always right. :)

Let's live a life of blessing, remembering that what comes out of our mouth will be manifested in our world.

Here's to choosing life and speaking it with our mouths!

Prayers, spark, and a piece of chocolate ~
<3 Kim

Keeping my eye on the prize

I'm on a journey of transformation. I want to transform from the inside to the outside - but just as I'm working hard to transform on the inside, I have to put some effort into transforming the outside of me. So, I'm on a weight loss journey as well.

I recently found a cool pin on Pinterest that I thought is a GREAT visual for weight loss. I went to Walmart last night and got what I needed to make one for myself. Here's how it turned out:

I think it turned out pretty cute! My sweet hubby helped me pick everything out and the stones we chose, to represent the pounds I've lost and want to lose, also have significance toward where we have set our goals for our future. They are gold, red, and clear. For those of you in the AdvoCare world, you know that is Gold, Ruby, and Diamond! I put it in front of a small picture I have on my dresser as a reminder of the heart transformation I'm pursuing also. A daily reminder to go after those things that are important to me....

So, now I have a daily visual of the weight I want to lose, the heart transformation I am going after, and the financial transformation we are working hard to achieve.

Here's to changing my world - and beginning by changing ME!
Kim

Awesome Mail-Day!

Today I decided to check the mail. I usually let Mia get it when she gets off of the bus, but for some reason I decided to do it myself today. And boy am I glad I did! :) I had THREE packages waiting on me! I was so excited! Two had girly things I had ordered for myself and for my girls, but the 3rd was the one that caught me by surprise!

Kurt and I recently hit a milestone with AdvoCare and the company recognized us for that success! How cool is that?! =D Here's what we received:

It means so much to know that we have a team of people, mentors and friends, that believe in us, truly CARE about us, and are absolutely willing to HELP us achieve those things that we set our mind to. Kurt and I will be debt free by the end of this year. Our goal is to achieve that by July, if at all possible. And I absolutely know it's possible!

I know that I usually blog more about spiritual things, but today I just want to bask in the excitement of setting a goal, reaching it, and looking ahead to where we are going. Our future is very bright. With our hearts in the right place (set on Jesus), our minds filled with declarations of life, and our feet walking the path God has set before us - there is nothing but good things in our future.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.     ~Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) 

Standing on His promises and walking out in faith,
Kim

Seasons

My favorite season is Autumn. I even like the word Autumn. It's pretty! The whole season is just gorgeous...I mean, not really where I happen to live, but I know how beautiful it can be! haha! My Aunt always used to say, "We don't have fall in this part of Texas. We just have 'fell'. We wake up one morning and all the leaves are just on the ground. They fell overnight." It is soooo true! LOL!

But, Autumn, in general is a season of warm scents, beautiful colors, cool days and gentle breezes. Just thinking about it makes me smell the spices and warm smells. I can feel the warmth of fireplaces being lit for the first time since summer. I can hear the laughter and sounds of families gathering around tables for games, food, and the making of memories. This is what Autumn means to me. Peace, joy, and warmth.

But after that comes winter. Yuck. Cold, bitter winds. Yucky nasty rain. No color - just gray skies most days - and more rain.... And then that turns into Spring!!! Fresh air, cool brisk breezes, beautiful flowers, happy kiddos who GET TO GO OUTSIDE AGAIN! The anticipation of summer time and all that comes with the hot days and no school! :)

These are the season we go through in the physical...so how does that translate into the spiritual? Well, let's take a look...

Look back on your life. What did winter look like? Was that a trial you went through? A place where you weren't sure which end was up...a time where you weren't sure if God was there...maybe you questioned His very existence? I know I've been in that place. It's hard, it's dark, it's lonely, and it's - quite honestly - very very scary. And then walks in someone, or something happens, that brings a ray of sunshine. You see the hope in them and it brings to life a hope in you. It's like a brisk wind blowing the cobwebs off of your hurting soul. Flowers begin to bloom. Birds begin to sing. You have hope for a future! And then comes summer....time seems to drag on.... you are just basking in the warmth of God's love and all the activities and FUN stuff you are getting to do! Everything is exciting! Everything is FUN! You hope this NEVER ends...!!! And then everything gets quiet. Before you know it, the sun isn't quite so bright. The days are getting cooler. Maybe your passion is waning just a bit. Things that made your heart pound, the worship music that would bring you to tears in the first few lines, don't affect you quite so deeply....you realize that you need to dig a little deeper. Now you have a choice. Are you going to dig? Are you going to curl up by the fireplace and develop that relationship that will take you through the next year? Are you going to turn to those you see that have the fruit in their life that you want to produce? Are you going to take this quiet time and invest in your future?

I feel like I've been through the winter, spring, and then summer in the last few years - and now God has given me a season of Autumn. I am able to grow and nourish the relationships I've been blessed with. I'm in a season of learning and teaching. A season of nurturing and loving. And it's all in preparation for the winter that is coming. I know that God gives us times of quiet for a purpose, and if used wisely, these moments strengthen us for the journey ahead. It's in these quiet times that we are given space to safely grow, to lean on those around us for wisdom, to glean as much as we can from His word, from His spirit, from His love, and to take those things WITH us into the next season of our life. What I also know is that when we are adequately prepared, the next season is less scary, it's less difficult, it seems to last not as long, and we are able to actually enjoy it and not just endure it.

Let me challenge you today to think hard. Discover for yourself where you are. And then react appropriately. Think ahead to where you are going, and prepare yourself for that time. Know that God is with you in all seasons and all seasons are given for a purpose. As you move through the seasons of this life, remember to move through the season of God with purpose, with a serious intent, and with a passion for where you are as you look ahead to where you are going.

With every ounce of my quiet, determined, heart -
Kim

Words

"Your words create your world" is a statement that has completely gotten in my gut. I have realized that life and death, truly are, in the tongue. That what I say DOES impact my life.

So many things in my life have tried to teach me this!

"Think before you speak!"
"Listen more than you talk!"
"Positiveness is important!"

And then that got me to thinking...what does the Bible say about this subject? I know I've heard it over the years that the tongue is the most difficult muscle to control...but why have I never really thought about this before? So, I did some digging and here is what I found:


Matthew 12:37 For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 12:13 An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk, but a righteous man escapes trouble.

Proverbs 13:2 From the fruit of his lips a man enjoys good things, but the unfaithful have a craving for violence.

Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. 

Pretty plain, isn't it?....

So, my prayer today has been this: Let me listen more than I speak. Let me hear the voice of God speak through me. May I forever speak LIFE and refuse to speak DEATH. I will speak life over my children. I will speak life over my husband. I will speak life over myself. I will create a world, with my mouth, in which God reigns supreme, blessings are given and received, and fruit is shown. 


I want to live a life of blessing. Not just a life of receiving blessings - although, I do want to receive blessings! - but a life that is a blessing!!! 


Today I challenge you to think before you speak - and when you DO speak, think about the words that are coming out of your mouth. Are you speaking life? Are you speaking blessings? Are you creating a world you want to live in?....The power is truly, absolutely, yours. What will you do with that power? 

With my ears and heart wide open,

Kim